Facing Our Fears With Compassion
Halloween is around the corner and walking down the block you’ll find skeletons popping out of lawns and ghosts swaying from the trees. While these decorations seem quaint now, I remember a time when I trembled and clung to my parent’s side going through the local haunted house. No doubt, the season inspires a reflection on fear, and how to handle it.
Fear is a universal emotion that is an intense reaction to a perceived threat. It may be a phobia, an automatic recoil at even the thought of a specific object. It may be social anxiety, a fear that you’ll be judged for what you say or do. It may be perfectionism, a fear that anything except impeccable is failure. We all have a personal ghoul to face in life.
Whatever yours is, you can probably sense it’s nearby when your heart races, your breathing speeds up, or your stomach gets queasy. These physical changes indicate that your body is filling with adrenaline, preparing for fight, flight, or freeze. Because our ancestors mostly feared saber-toothed tigers on the hunt, it was essential they could get outta town when those fear signals went off. We evolved to avoid our fears in order to protect our lives.
Lucky for us though, many of our fears today are not life threatening, and will actually dissipate if we gradually approach them. I think back to my younger self tiptoeing through the haunted house; it's easy to forget that much of what feels natural now, was once a frightening new experience. The same tools that help children overcome those scary firsts can help us as adults:
1) Take deep breaths. It may seem trite, but slowing down to breathe regulates our nervous system and signals to our body that we are safe.
2) Co-regulate with a loved one by holding hands, hugging, or breathing together. Research shows that physical touch with a trusted person can slow our heart rate and reduce cortisol in our bodies.
3) Show self-compassion. Clients often tell me that their mean self-talk motivates them to push through. While the inner critic may work in the short term, this strategy keeps us in chronic stress unnecessarily (aka, running from an imagined tiger). Just as a parent would supportively walk a child through a haunted house, we can regulate our fear by using an encouraging and loving inner voice to get us through.