Allyship in Community
In my community there is no shortage in diversity. We hold differing identities in body size, gender identity, sexuality, disability status, ethnicity, and cultural background. When you are in a relationship with someone who holds a marginalized identity, you have the capacity to be a source of support and empowerment. Being an effective ally takes intentionality and practice. Here are a few hot takes on how to honor and support differing identities in a relationship.
1. Be curious! Continue to have ongoing conversations about your identities. Educate each other about your differing identities and celebrate them! Learning how to have difficult conversations supports integration of cultures but also is a great communication skill to learn.
2. Do your homework. It is my job as a white cisgender person to do the research, have conversations, and actively learn about my friend’s othered identities. When folks who carry a BIPOC identity get into the position of having to teach others about racism or their marginalized identity it perpetuates white supremacy and places the burden of the work back on to the person of color. Your friends will appreciate your efforts to educate yourself about their culture, celebrate and try their authentic cuisines, learn about their country of origin, and ask questions about their family’s story. This can create mutual respect and positivity in the relationship.
3. Be humble. Forgive each other and continuously challenge yourself to learn from your mistakes. Activist bell hooks writes: “Honesty and openness is always the foundation of insightful dialogue”. I have had missteps in my journey of allyship: I have made microaggressions, shared culturally insensitive statements, and have at times failed to see how my whiteness takes up space in relationships. When these harmful moments occur, my community graciously has been open to correcting me and not seeing me as a “bad white person”. My friends have also shown patience and understanding that learning and change does not occur instantaneously. By offering compassion and taking accountability for harm, we have built a stronger bond.
Gentle reminder, it is okay to wade into the discomfort of allyship. Exploring a new culture, challenging your own patterns of white supremacy, and incorporating your newfound information into your relationship is bound to dig up some discomfort. Making the choice to lean into it, speaks to your strength and the care you bring to your relationships. Remember, that in celebrating your differences, you can cocreate a relationship that is rich in diversity and acceptance.
