Safety In Relationships: Healing from Neurodiverse Trauma
Two of my siblings in my family are neurodiverse. Sadly, it was not uncommon for them to experience criticism, stigma, and bullying stemming from misunderstandings about their neurodiversity. My brother’s experiences are isomorphic to the broader neurodivergent community. Neurodivergents experience higher rates of bullying and isolation compared to neurotypical people. A neurodiverse client shared with me when growing up they noticed that people would go out of their way not to touch them. Trauma occurs when you grow up perpetually feeling like you do not fit in. To cope, people with neurodivergence will “mask” in order to try to fit into cultural norms. Masking reinforces the idea that a neurodivergent person would not be welcomed or accepted as their true authentic self. The otherness that neurodivergent people feel can manifest into significant trauma (PTSD), depression, and anxiety that they carry into adulthood.
When we are in intimate relationships, we bring in all our past experiences. Given the trauma and pain neurodiverse people hold, It is no surprise that neurodiverse couples struggle with communication and conflict. If you are in a relationship with a neurodiverse person, here are a few ways you can compassionately respond to their triggers of pain.
1. Be gentle with your feedback. Your partner likely received a lot of painful criticism in their past. If you are sharing feedback, soften it by using the stroke, stroke, kick method. For example, if your partner forgot to unload the dishwasher, you could say; “I really appreciate how you take care of our home. I know you’ve had a lot of on your plate lately. Do you think you’ll be able to unload the dishwasher today?”
2. Give space. When in conflict it may take your partner a few days to figure out the root of their feelings and distress. Allow time for them to process their emotions and communicate with you their needs.
3. Get curious and compassionate about their triggers. Many neurodiverse couples I work with often have a painful relationship with shame. One cycle I see repeatedly is where the neurotypical partner will communicate their needs and the neurodiverse partner will quickly shame spiral and feel like a worthless, bad partner. Receiving feedback and feeling immense shame is often a trauma reaction. If your partner is experiencing a trauma reaction, slow down. Remind them that you love them and that the problem is the problem, not them. Support your partner in grounding and give them a break. When they are regulated, get curious about what happened and what their shame is connected to. If your partner shares with you their past wounds, hold it like a gift and be caring in your response.
There are so many benefits to being in a neurodiverse relationship! When someone has a neurodivergent brain, they see and experience the world differently, which adds color, diversity, and delight to the relationship. Being compassionate with all of your partner’s darkest parts will bring the relationship more intimacy and connection.
