Family Stress: Boundary Setting

This holiday season amidst the excitement of lighting the menorah, baking gingerbread cookies, and finding the perfect cat reindeer costume, you may also start to feel some dread about seeing your family. Often, the people that are hardest to set boundaries with are the ones that you are the closest to. Setting boundaries with family members can be particularly challenging, especially if boundaries are unusual in your family dynamic. When we do something for the first time, it can be uncomfortable and create tension and conflict. Boundaries are flexible limits and rules people set up for themselves to cocreate healthy relationships. Here are seven steps to thoughtfully set a boundary with a family member.

1.     Investigate what you need. For some people, checking in with yourself about what you need can be uncomfortable and new. If growing up, you were conditioned to focus on other’s needs, even asking that question may bring up internal resistance. Take your time in checking in with yourself. Some questions you could ask yourself could be: How much time do I need to myself each day while I am around my family to stay present? Do I need my own space, and therefore should I ask my family to stay in a hotel instead of with me?

2.     Remind yourself that your needs are important. You are worthy of having your needs met AND your needs are equally as important as your family member’s needs.

3.     Using an I statement, clearly state your boundary. In therapy school I was taught the stroke, stroke, kick method for boundary setting. For example, I might say: “I love your sense of humor and you often make me laugh, however I am uncomfortable and hurt by jokes that promote sexism (I statement) and would really appreciate it if when we are together, you refrain from using jokes where women are put down (Boundary)”.

4.     Prepare for push back. The first time you set a boundary with anyone you are in a relationship with, they will likely resist and push back. When I have to engage in a difficult conversation and set a boundary, I will do grounding exercise (like paced breathing) so that I can be ready for the resistance. Reminder, change only occurs in when we are uncomfortable.

5.     Validate their emotion, reset the boundary. A family member may feel disappointed or sad by boundary. You can validate that emotion of sadness, without moving the boundary. It also helps your family member feel heard.

6.     Reset the boundary. Generally, we have to set a boundary a minimum of three times for someone to adapt to it. Remind yourself that resetting the boundary is part of the process.

7.     Celebrate the milestone of setting a boundary! Wahoo! You did it! (Now tell your therapist and let’s celebrate!)

Sarah Young is a Couple and Family therapist with Amanda Atkins Counseling Group and can be reached at sarah@amandaatkinschicago.com.