7 Prompts to Better Understand Your Partner’s Needs

A recent meta-analysis showed that a staggering 85% of neurodiverse marriages end in divorce. As both a couples therapist and a mom to a neurodiverse child, this statistic reminded me that, in general, there is a huge gap in understanding people who identify as neurodiverse.

If you are in a neurodiverse relationship, a great starting point to strengthening your relationship is understanding how your partner defines safe communication, specifically, how your partner's needs differ from yours. Your partner's unique needs directly impact their ability to both understand and be understood by you.

There are a lot of stereotypes that I'm not interested in perpetuating, so I won't be listing diagnoses and assumed tendencies. The most effective way to understand your partner's unique needs is to discuss them openly and honestly.

Here are a few prompts to get you started! Take turns discussing the following questions with your partner:

• Due to your family of origin or past relationships, are there any specific behaviors that feel especially unsafe to you? (Example: yelling, invalidating, abruptly leaving)

• What do you need when you feel angry?

• What do you need when you feel sad?

• What do you need to feel safe in an argument or heated discussion?

• What feels like the best way for me to bring up conflict?

• What do I need to know about the way you process information?

• What do I do that makes you feel loved and secure?

Try sitting down with your partner and having a thoughtful discussion about what you both need for effective and safe communication. And if you happen to bump up against some unprocessed areas, you know where to find a good couples therapist!