Real Talk: Intimate Partner Violence

COVID- 19 has dramatically increased individual and couple stress and radically changed the norms of daily life and relationship. The pandemic, election anxiety, and for Chicagoans, the seasonal shift,  is a shared traumatic event that affects us as individuals, in our communities, and in our relationships. People who experience acute stress in the weeks after a traumatic event are likely to have negative long-term mental and physical health. Symptoms of traumatic stress can include poor general health, increased pain, increased depression and anxiety, and more family conflict. Cities across China reported a surge in uncouplings and divorce in March, as partners emerged from government mandated lockdown. This trend is an ominous warning for couples in the United States and relationship resiliency is pivotal to understanding how couples can weather the pandemic storm.

Relational closeness has dramatically altered during quarantine; COVID-19 has dictated how much physical and emotional space partners can take from each other. Movement restrictions are making violence in homes more frequent and more severe. Intimate Partner Violence has risen worldwide since the pandemic.

Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) is physical violence, sexual violence, stalking, or psychological harm by a partner. IPV is common and occurs in both heterosexual and queer relationships. In fact, life-time prevalence of IPV in LGB couples appear to be similar to or higher than in heterosexual ones: 61.1% of bisexual women, 43.8% of lesbian women, 37.3% of bisexual men, and 26.0% of homosexual men experience IPV during their life, while 35.0% of heterosexual women and 29.0% of heterosexual men experience IPV (Rolle, 2019). It is important to note that women and men are equally the harmers and the harmed in heterosexual relationships.

Given the frequency of Intimate Partner Violence in relationships, it is critical to understand the risks. Intimate Partner Violence often can lead to dissolution of a relationship, increased anxiety and depression, and increase risk of suicidality.

What then, should we do if we are in a relationship with Intimate Partner Violence and is there hope for recovery?

1.     Seek a therapist, both individually and as a couple. A history of IPV in a relationship is a wound that requires healing. It is important to get support to recover and heal the relationship and empower each partner to make different choices.

2.     Create a behavioral contract with your partner for fights: make a list of what each partner can and cannot do during a conflict and hold one another accountable.

3.     When our central nervous system gets activated during conflict, it takes between 15-20 minutes to regulate and feel more in control. When you notice yourself feeling tension or activation, pause and take space from your partner before continuing.

4.     Reflect on what is important to you. What are your values for being in a relationship? If you have a value of respect in relationship, what actions can you take with your partner to show that value of respect?

5.     Create a safety plan, solicit support from friends and loved ones, and empower yourself to leave the relationship with the harmer.

Sarah E Young is a couple and family therapist with Amanda Atkins Counseling Group and is trained in the treatment of recovery for Intimate Partner Violence.

Sources:

Rollè, Luca & Ramon, Shulamit & Brustia, Piera. (2019). Editorial: New Perspectives on Domestic Violence: From Research to Intervention. Frontiers in Psychology. 10. 10.3389/fpsyg.2019.00641.