The Best Split Possible: How to Navigate a Separation in a Healthy Way
Researchers estimate that around 41% of first marriages end in divorce and the USA has the fourth highest divorce rate worldwide (Wilkensen & Finkbeiner). I am a firm believer in taking a trial separation before deciding on divorce. This helps both partners face some difficult decisions and maybe even make room for reconciliation. With that said, what goes into a productive separation?
1. Determine the Goal of the Separation - Are you hoping to reconcile? Is this a baby step towards permanent separation? Is this break about taking time apart and healing from relationship wounds? Though partners may disagree on the ultimate goal, it is critical for each partner to be understood. Ideally, the time and space apart will cultivate softening and empathy and allow for honest communication.
2. Make A Clear Plan of Expectations - The more detail that can go into this plan, the better. How often will you and your spouse see each other? How will finances be handled during this time? Is sex off the table, with your partner or anyone else? If children are involved, how will this be disclosed to them? I recommend making a list of expectations and rules of your separation, assuring that both partners have agreed to what is written.
3. Be Clear About the Timeline - Experts recommend a separation last between three and six months in order to allow for change and clarity. I encourage couples to create an agreed upon date to end the separation and come together to make a decision on the future. This is especially helpful if one partner is more invested in staying together. The separation can be less anxiety provoking
4. Consider Discernment Therapy or Couples Therapy - Get support. All of the above conversations are difficult and having a third party will help you navigate them a little easier. Discernment therapy was created for couples who are unsure if they want to remain married. For more information on discernment therapy, you can read Trisha Andrew’s most recent blog. Regardless of what approach you take, be sure you have a neutral third party who can help facilitate these discussions and assist you in moving towards what is best for the relationship.
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There is no way around it, separation and divorce is hard. By thoughtfully navigating the process of separation, you and your parter can strive for a mutual understanding of each other’s needs and hopefully reduce unnecessary pain along the way. While a separation is certainly new territory for a relationship, it is not the end - it allows both partners a new start, either together or apart.