The Blame Game
Often when we feel flooded with strong emotions— anger, sadness, fear, or hurt—we want to lash out and blame our partners for our feelings. Blame is a tool we use to distance ourselves from pain. Buddhist philosopher Pema Chodron writes, “We habitually erect a barrier called blame that keeps us from communicating genuinely with others, and we fortify it with our concepts of who's right and who's wrong. We do that with the people who are closest to …. It is a very common, ancient, well-perfected device for trying to feel better. Blaming is a way to protect your heart, trying to protect what is soft and open and tender in yourself. Rather than own that pain, we scramble to find some comfortable ground” (Chodron, 2019). Some of the hardest work we owe to ourselves and to our relationships is giving ourselves the space and time to sit in our painful, strong emotion and investigate the root of the hurt. Simply put, the way out of a painful emotion is through it.
Research shows that when we are flooded with anxiety or fear, our ability to think clearly is affected. The following steps are a path to getting off the emotional blaming path.
Step One: Emotional Regulation
When you feel triggered by a strong emotion, the first step toward regaining calm is to sit in the uncomfortable feeling, let it settle, and try to soothe ourselves to bring the anxiety from a 10 to a 2. Some ways to self-soothe are take a walk, drink a glass of ice water, go through a progressive muscle relaxation exercise, or count breaths. Check in with your body and notice any tightness or discomfort. Do what you need to do to lower your anxiety so that you are not reacting; you’re responding.
Step Two: Investigate the Reality
Check in with yourself about what happened. Challenge any thoughts that come up that blame or place responsibility on your partner for causing emotional pain. You and only you are responsible for your own reactions. Start to investigate if there are two sides to the story. Are you perhaps reacting from past experiences? Was there miscommunication? Are there any other reasons for the conflict that do not assign blame or fault? Try to imagine the conflict from your partner’s view and experience.
Step Three: Take Responsibility for Your Own Part
The most challenging step when you are hurt emotionally is taking responsibility for your own part and your own behaviors. Taking responsibility does not mean that you dismiss your part or hold your partner responsible. Instead, by stating your experience and discussing how you contributed to the escalation you and your partner are leveled to the same playing field. This movement toward equality creates the possibility for a conversation without blame.
Step Four: Communicate with Your Partner
Couples may create strong narratives about situations, often pulling past painful experiences into their stories, clouding the reality of what actually occurred. One way to check the reality is to check in with your partner about the experience. Name how you experienced the interaction and your hurt, take responsibility for your part, and then ask your partner to explain the interaction and experience from a different point of view.
Negativity and blaming, when unchecked, can create partner dissatisfaction and stress. By practicing emotional regulation, investigating the experience, taking responsibility for your own part, and checking in with your partner, you can deescalate the conflict and make room for intimacy to develop.
