Codependency and Childhood Trauma
“Many people live and die without ever confronting themselves in the darkness.”
― Carmen Maria Machado, Her Body and Other Parties
What is a codependent relationship?
In my first intimate partnership, I entered what Lesbians jovially call a U-Haul relationship. From our first date, my girlfriend and I spent every night together, neglected our friendships, and prioritized each other. Over time I noticed some red flags: I began to make sacrifices to focus on my partner’s needs, my self-worth seemed contingent on our relationship health, and I lost autonomy and felt a loss of self. I found myself unintentionally in a codependent relationship.
A codependent relationship is when one partner needs the other partner, who in response needs to be needed. Codependent relationships create a cycle where one partner’s self-worth comes from sacrificing for the other partner’s needs.
Some key symptoms you may be in a codependent relationship are:
- Feelings of anxiety about pleasing your partner and meeting your partner’s needs
- Struggles to express your own needs or desires
- A belief that if you ask for your needs to be met you are being selfish or do not care for your partner
- Willingness to stay in a relationship even if it is harmful
- Fear of being “single” or alone, even if you are aware that you are in an abusive relationship
- Lack of boundaries in a relationship
- Loss of a sense of self or autonomy in the relationship
If you are reading this list and some of these symptoms ring true for you, take a deep breath, and pause. Being in a codependent relationship does not mean something is deeply wrong or flawed in you. Having the insight to reflect on harmful patterns in your relationships is a monumental first step.
What causes codependent relationships?
Relational codependency derives from three factors: a lack of a clear sense of self, an enduring pattern of extreme, emotional, relational, and occupational imbalance, and a history of parental abandonment and trauma in childhood (Bacon et al, 2020).
Researchers have found a strong correlation between codependency in relationships and childhood trauma. A healthy attachment with a caregiver as a child typically means that your caregiver is attuned to your needs and meets them most of the time. When we have a tear in that cycle- if a child has a need and caregiver fails to respond to it- we create what are called ruptures in the attachment cycle.
Childhood abuse or neglect is an indicator of an insecure attachment. As we grow into adulthood, we may have a variety of learned responses when we have been raised with childhood trauma. One response is a learned belief that your worth is dependent on pleasing or caretaking others. This can create a lasting fear that if we do not caretake others we will be abandoned or rejected.
Another survival response from a child of trauma may lead them to feel dependent or helpless unless another person validates them.
Caregivers teach children how to perform and respond in relationships. Often, intimate relationships are extended role plays for childhood roles and patterns.
How do we break the cycle of codependency?
This raises the question: how do we break the cycle of codependency and heal our whole selves?
1. Get the help of a therapist! A validating therapist can help support someone who is trying to detangle from a codependent relationship and heal unmet childhood wounds.
2. Rebuild your sense of self: start to slowly integrate internal validation of self into external validations of self.
3. Set boundaries and pay attention to your needs.
4. Have a transparent and honest conversation with your partner about your concerns with the relationship.
5. Seek the support of friends and family.
Bacon, I., McKay, E., Reynolds, F. et al. The Lived Experience of Codependency: an Interpretative Phenomenological Analysis. Int J Ment Health Addiction 18, 754–771 (2020). https://doi.org/10.1007/s11469-018-9983
