The Art of Friendship in Adulthood

Environments made for children typically prioritize relationship building, whether through consistent exposure to peers at school or sleepovers ripe for secret-sharing. In youth, our curiosity drives us to engage in activities and relationships where we test our interests and values. From there, friendships form and take many shapes. A friend can be our closest confidante or a person who simply obsesses over the same nerdy tv show.

Because friendships are our most flexible relationships, they are the easiest to neglect as familial and work responsibilities mount. Yet research shows that meaningful friendships can bolster our self-esteem, improve our physical health, and build resilience against life’s inevitable stressors (Hojjat & Moyer, 2017). Understandably, clients lament disconnection from old friends and feel disillusioned by the arduous task of forming new bonds.

We could all use support on our quest for friendship as adults. Here are some tips to get started!

Seek spaces that match your values:

Take initiative to find alternative social opportunities from work, where you might feel pressure to maintain a professional distance. Begin your search by turning inward. Reflect on the values you would like to reignite. Losing touch with old friends sometimes means disconnection from old hobbies or even personality traits, like playfulness, creativity, or intellect. Is there a cooking class, a spiritual community, a book club, etc. that might satisfy those parts of yourself? You will enjoy meeting people more when you feel enthusiastic about what you are doing together.

Embrace the awkwardness:

We all know the movie trope: a gangly kid approaches the cafeteria, unsure where to sit, fearing rejection; finding friends is vulnerable and uncertain. This truth can intensify if we’ve experienced betrayals in the past. Know that stumbling through silences is a normal part of establishing a new relationship. Every conversation is a dance, so give both parties a moment to find rhythm. Acknowledge the guts you both show getting out on the floor! Take a deep breath and ask yourself: am I willing to endure short term discomfort to foster long term friendship?

Be vulnerable:

Have the courage to be yourself and you will lead others to do the same. Challenge the status quo for conversation. You do not need to reveal your darkest inner thoughts to break through walls of small talk; start by sharing your passions, or simply disclosing your nervousness in the moment.

Opening up comes with risk as well as reward; if your authenticity turns someone off, they were not the right fit. Not everyone will be your person and that is okay. But with patience and persistence you may find yourself with an unexpected companion.

Sometimes, it’s not finding friends, but nurturing friendships that is so challenging. Here are some ways we might strengthen the heartbeat of our friendships, old and new:

Create rituals for connection:

Rituals can be as grand as an annual camping trip or as mundane as a regular phone call while you drive home from work. On breaks from college, a good high school friend and I always had dinner back home during winter and summer breaks. When our schedules no longer matched after graduating, we kept our bi-annual meal tradition to show how much we valued the friendship. Create an event tailored to your unique friendship.

Show you care:

Show you care in small, unexpected ways when you don’t have time for bigger commitments. Write a quick post-card. Snap and send a photo of something in the world that reminds you of your friend. Share a meme you think would evoke a chuckle. Let your friend know they are on your mind even when you don’t have the capacity for a longer get together. These gestures won’t replace quality time, but they can help sustain connection when you are strapped.

Remind yourself to remember:

Put reminders in your calendar for your friend’s life events, anything from a birthday to an doctor’s visit. It means a lot when you reach out at those important moments. Your friend’s phone might be flooded on a special day, so consider planning a surprise hello, maybe on their half-birthday.

Get to know your friends again:

Friendships can span a lifetime. Over the years, you’ve lived through graduations, moves, heartbreaks, births, deaths, and a million other milestones. Maybe you no longer share the same values or life ark. While it may be okay to let some friendships fizzle, other times, it is worth re-cultivating past ties. Get curious about how your friend has changed since you met. What questions do you have about their ideas and beliefs? Are there thoughts you have acquired over the years that you’ve yet to share with them? Rekindling friendships can help us access a sense of comfort in familiarity and excitement in newness.

At the end of the day, we need to feel like we matter in our relationships. If you use intentional caring as a compass in the art of friendship, your actions will invite close connections that return dividends. Happy bonding!

Resources:

• Moyer, A., & Hojjat, M. (2017). The Psychology of Friendship (1st ed.). Oxford University Press.

• • An Autistic Butterfly's Guide to Making Friends by Devon Price

• • Meet Up Groups in Chicago

• • Bumble App for Friends