Fighting In Friendship
About a decade ago my best friend and soul mate and I had a severe rupture. She was my person. We road tripped, talked till our voices became hoarse, plus oned one another, and shared a home. When our romantic relationships began to infringe on our time together, we fought. I did not have the communication or interpersonal skills I have now in how to navigate these hard, painful conversations about how our friendship had changed. It took years of heartbreaking conversations, uncomfortable space, and apologies to rebuild and strengthen our bond. I am deeply grateful that we stuck in it and in a month, my soul mate will be officiating my wedding.
This blueprint is for someone who may be in a painful position of asking themselves how do I salvage or repair a meaningful friendship? I want to acknowledge that not all friendships need saving. Sometimes we outgrow our relationships and need time and space to grieve that loss. It is vulnerable to conflict with your friend. Remember, conflict is a sign of trust. Conflict opens a door for your friend to see an unfiltered raw part of you. Ruptures are opportunities for stronger connection.
Friendship Repair Blueprint
1. Take some space. Space provides you with the room to regulate and reflect. It also gives some time to let the tension settle. Often, we interpret space as a rejection. Space allows us to take care of our selves so that we can better understand our own needs and experiences.
2. Reflect on the happys, not crappys. Our brains are wired to give more weight to negative thoughts and emotions (negativity bias). Make a list of what you value in the friendship. Notice what you feel in your body and how your story changes about the conflict when you reflect on the strengths and values of the relationship.
3. Take accountability for your part. Being willing to look at yourself and your own blind spots is an important piece to relational repair. When we focus on what the other person did to hurt us, we fall into a defensive blaming game. Being willing to look at your part and take accountability fosters vulnerability and equity in a relationship.
4. Reflect on what you need for the friendship to strengthen and repair. Ooof this is a hard one. Often it can be difficult to know what you need to move past a relational rupture. Our relational satisfaction is often linked to having our emotional needs met. Take some time to reflect on this question. I often tune into my body to understand what emotion I’m feeling. For example, if I am feeling angry, perhaps I need space from the situation. Practicing mindful awareness in our bodies can help us have better understanding of what our authentic needs are.
5. Using I statements, have an open and honest conversation with your friend. Check in with your friend about their experience of the conflict. Regulate so you can really listen and affirm their experience. Then share what you value in the friendship, what you can take accountability for in the fight, and what you need to heal.
We need friendship community. Friendship offers a sacred space for belonging and connection. It takes energy, patience, and practice to repair a friendship. With intentional vulnerability, repair is possible.
