Couples, Conflict, & Covid
It was 179 days ago today that J.B. Pritzer ordered Chicagoans to shelter-in-place. Incidentally, it’s been about that long since my partner or myself have worked from our respective offices. If you’re anything like me, this time of togetherness has been filled with both positives and negatives. The positives: my entire family ate dinner together tonight, I can lay my 3-year old down for nap most days, I get to walk my dog more often, we got a kitten, and I feel much more connected to my home and making it a space I love. The negatives: we’re together. A lot.
With this newfound sense of togetherness, it’s likely we all need to examine our conflict. I recently polled 272 people in a committed relationship and over 31% of respondents stated that their level of conflict has increased during COVID. 7.35% stated the closeness of our current situation has made them consider leaving their partner.
Conflict is a normal part of relationship, but I often tell my clients conflict is only helpful if it is productive. Even within that, there are a few handy guidelines that can help lead to productive, positive conflict.
Know Your Hot Buttons
I often encourage clients to be honest about what triggers them during conflict. For example, if you grew up in a home where arguments included screaming and threatening to leave, it might not feel safe when your partner raises their voice. Similarly, if your parent gave you the silent treatment when you made a mistake, you might feel the need to solve conflicts quickly, unable to sit with knowing your partner is mad at you. Part of this involves knowing your own “stuff” and understanding what’s going on for you emotionally during arguments. If you’re having a hard time doing this, I’d recommend finding an individual therapist and unpacking your issues around conflict.
Understand Your Conflict Cycle
A big “ah-hah” moment for me as a therapist is when I can help a couple identify their conflict cycle. For example: partner 1 uses sarcasm and anger to brings up an issue, partner 2 feels attacked and gets defensive, partner 1 feels like nothing ever changes and shuts down out of frustration, partner 2 holds onto resentment over the way the conflict was brought up and distances him or herself from their partner. When you can break your conflict into identifiable and predictable steps, you can each work on changing your contribution.
Avoid the Four Horseman
John Gottman coined this term that includes criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These four behaviors are toxic in relationships and according to Gottman’s research can ultimately lead to the demise of your relationship. You can read more about the four horsemen here.
Avoid below the belt
It’s important to share a mutual agreement as to what’s off limits during conflict. Is your partner insecure about how much money they make? Keep it out of conflict. This generally involves anything that will intentionally hurt your partner. This also could include certain words. Name calling can be especially triggering and hurtful. If you find yourself wanting to bring something up because you know it will hurt, better off leaving it unsaid.
For more literature on fighting fairly, check out the following books:
The High Conflict Couple: A Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Guide to Finding Peace, Intimacy, and Validation - Alan E. Fruzzetti
Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last - John Gottman
Fighting For Your Marriage - Howard Markman