Why Do We Experience Depression After a Break-Up?
Ambiguous loss is a term for any loss that does not occur through death. When we go through a breakup, that previous partner is still around but we do not have the relationship, that closeness, that we once did, and that is a loss worth grieving. Yet break up depression can feel so all-consuming sometimes that it makes sense to want to avoid it. I recall after a break-up feeling so tired of feeling sad, as if I was letting my previous partner “win” by feeling my feelings. Yet, what I have learned about break-up depression since is that the emotions I was experiencing were not making me “lose” at anything. In fact, as it turns out, our brains and bodies after a break-up are hard at work to ensure a better future for us.
In the book, Why We Love by Helen Fischer, Fischer shares three possibilities for the evolutionary reason behind break up depression:
Possibility: Break-up depression can be seen as an adaptation that helps humans slow down and save their energy.
What to do?: If you’re experiencing depression, it can be helpful to allow yourself to slow down and give yourself the rest your body is asking for. Making time and space for a nap, or just simply quiet time can be helpful in gaining energy to process hard emotions. To be clear, this is not laziness. You just need extra rest to move through grief, and that’s okay.
Possibility: Break-up depression can be theorized as a way to abandon fruitless ventures so that you look for something better. What to do?: By no means should you feel like you have to already be looking on the bright side after a break-up. When you love and care about someone, it’s hard to imagine wanting anyone else. This theory tells us though that break up depression could actually be a sign of hope for the future. If you’re not there yet, that’s okay, but if you are, then I encourage allowing this idea to offer you hope or to reflect on ways you may have grown since the break-up.
What to do?: By no means should you feel like you have to already be looking on the bright side after a break-up. When you love and care about someone, it’s hard to imagine wanting anyone else. This theory tells us though that break up depression could actually be a sign of hope for the future. If you’re not there yet, that’s okay, but if you are, then I encourage allowing this idea to offer you hope or to reflect on ways you may have grown since the break-up.
Possibility: Depression symptoms are often visible to those who are close to us, such as crying or stopping tasks we normally do. Break up depression could exist because it helps the people in our community come to our aid and foster our need for connection after loss.
What to do?: Reach out to your community of people who you feel can listen to you without judgement or unsolicited advice. If your friends or family struggle to support you, reach out to a therapist as an unbiased third party who can listen and offer empathy. You do not have to go through the grief of a break-up alone.