How to Prepare for Differing Opinions in a Relationship
Polarization occurs when two people differ on a preference. And in relationships, the truth is, we often have little patience for an opinion different from our own. (Resource)
As a therapist, I often hear clients express regret about choosing a partner who has a perspective different from their own. After being faced with this issue many times, I asked, how does one tolerate polarization in a relationship? And, can choosing a partner who has the same views, lifestyle, and expectations prevent this divide in perspectives?
To give a little background, I come from a country where arranged marriages are the prevalent method of choosing a partner. One usually gets a few dates to ask and answer questions to their potential mate. So what do you ask? How do you really know that both of you will be on the same page for the rest of your life? How do you make sure that a significant differing of opinions will not take place?
The answer is, you can’t! Change takes place slowly over the years, and we often see our partners as a natural balance to our tendencies. We might find ourselves boxing our partner into a list of expectations we have developed over time. If they are tidy, I can be messy. If they are calm usually, I can be angry. If they are planners, I can be a dreamer. However, having these set ideas does not allow for them to be given the space to evolve. We forget that people change. Humans aren't static beings. When we take away the space for our partner to mature, we might unknowingly stop the relationship from growing as well.
When you and your partner have differing opinions, it can be easy to lose sight of what the problem really is. Finding ourselves on the opposite ends of the spectrum creates tension. We start to see only one side of our partner, not the complex, opinionated person sitting before us. If you find yourself in this position, I encourage you to try to adapt to your partner's changes. Give them and yourself space to grow and evolve, shift from one role to another in a marriage. You showcase empathy towards change. This approach keeps the momentum of the relationship going rather than keeping it stuck in one place.
Here are a few more tricks:
When dating, allow yourself to switch roles to avoid settling into just one role in the relationship. For example, take turns bringing up conflict, initiating sex, getting groceries, etc. Allow fluidity in your roles.
Establish boundaries when arguing, especially on topics where you have opposite views. What's off-limits in a fight? What do you need to feel safe? This approach helps you be empathic in times of conflict.
Always show respect towards your partner even if you disagree. Listen without defending, be kind, and no low blows. Maintaining respect shows that you’re actually accommodating the polarity rather than fighting against it.
While differing views in relationships are a common issue, it isn't always easy to navigate. When we allow space for shifting roles, we can learn, grow, and function smoothly together.
