Healing Polarization in Relationships
Since 2016, our country, families, and relationships have become more conflictual and polarized than ever before. Pew Research Center found that in our country, there is a tendency on the left and the right to build community with like-minded people, to the point of actively avoiding those who disagree. Simply put, we bond with those who share our ideological belief systems and reject those who don’t.
This faction is splitting families, neighbors, and communities. We are a country who is in profound pain: the coronavirus pandemic, continuous racial injustice, economic insecurity, political polarization, and general daily uncertainty are fueling depression and anxiety.
The salve to pain is in connection and compassion. This begs the question, what do we do when empathy seems to be on the decline?
Neuro-scientist, Jamil Zaki writes, “Empathy seems to be endangered. In one study, the average American college student in 2009 scored as less empathic than 75 percent of students in 1979. This suggests our care is eroding, but you might not need a study to tell you that. I, like many people, noticed a culture that feels increasingly cruel, callous and disconnected” (Zaki, 2020).
Ways to increase empathy and connection in a deeply polarizing world
1. Emotional Regulation: Intense emotions set our amygdala off and send out warning fires that shuts off the logical part of our brain. Often, intense emotions have a trickle-down effect where the people around us also are triggered. If I am engaging with a person who supports the anti-abortion law in Texas, my amygdala catches fire and I start to fear that we are rapidly stepping into Handmaid’s tale reality. This fear is catching and the person I am speaking with may set off their own fear trigger. Instead, we can try to emotionally regulate when we hear opposing viewpoints. Sometimes keeping in mind, a mantra like “this is just an opinion”, may help us stay calm.
2. Treat one another with Empathy and Respect: In the past two years, we have experienced social isolation and loneliness. When we are isolated, we look to groups to find acceptance and belonging. I have a relative that lives alone and during the pandemic, she got sucked into the anti-vaxer and conspiracy world via Youtube. When she emails me articles loaded with misinformation, I start to feel defensive. Understanding her isolation and need for community, helps me to be empathetic and respectful in our interactions. We do not need to align on our belief systems to share mutuality.
3. Listen more and go to the process, instead of the content. If a family member or friend is sharing with you an opinion or belief you do not agree with, is there a way to access the underlying emotional need in the share. Maybe they are worried for you or our country and are seeking validation. Maybe they are looking to connect with you and are trying to do so by sharing information. Try to slow down and listen to the underlying need instead of getting caught up in the story.
Empathy can be strengthened if we work on it. When I get stuck, I often reflect on this quote from the Dali Lama, “To the extent that our experience of suffering reminds us of what everyone else also endures, it serves as a powerful inspiration to practice compassion and avoid causing others pain”.
