On the Brink: Indecision On Divorce
Helping Couples Determine Where They Are, How They Got There & Where Do They Go from Here
What Is Discernment Counseling?
Discernment Counseling is researched-based intervention developed by Dr. Bill Doherty, at the University of Minnesota intended for couples who are indecisive about staying married. In this scenario, one partner wants to stay married and work on the marriage while the other partner is less interested in working on the marriage and feels like divorce is the only option. The goal of this intensive, short-term process is to gain clarity and confidence around the very difficult decision of taking steps to preserve the marriage or to move toward separation or divorce. Through Discernment Counseling, each partner gets a better understanding of what happened in the relationship to get them where they are today and each partners’ contributions to their current relationship landscape. The couple then determines which, if any, of these contributions and problems are solvable and which problems are unsolvable.
Discernment Counseling is NOT Couples Therapy
Traditional couple’s therapy assumes that both people are willing to work towards improving the relationship. In this process, we are not trying to solve your relationship problems. Discernment Counseling is designed to help couples figure out if the problems hurting their relationship are solvable. When one partner is actively leaning out of the relationship, couple’s therapy can be incredibly ineffective because they are often hopeless about the possibility of change and improvement in the relationship. Couple’s counseling can often take months or years to “stick,” while Discernment Counseling is limited to one initial session to evaluate the viability of the relationship.
The Process:
Discernment Counseling is a short-term intensive therapy lasting between one and five sessions. There is limited couple interaction during these sessions, with the therapist spending individual time with each partner equally and helping them discern between three potential paths:
Path 1: Remain in the status quo
Path 2: Trial separation or divorce
Path 3: Agreement of six months of couple’s therapy with the decision of divorce off of the table, after which they can revisit that decision to stay together or divorce (with other possible interventions).
During these individual sessions, each partner is asked to confront their own contributions to the current state of the relationship. There is an opportunity for each partner to summarize their personal discoveries surrounding their contributions during their individual sessions. At the end of each session, each partner will determine if they would like to continue discerning about the three paths in another session. If they’ve reached a mutual decision on the path moving forward, the therapist will provide support and resources around that decision.
The Decision:
Once the couple has made a mutual decision about their path forward, the therapist will support them with that decision. If the couple decides to stick with the status quo, the therapist will help the couple negotiate how they will handle moving forward. If the mutual decision is path two (divorce), the therapist will provide resources to the couple such as collaborative divorce lawyers, mediators, etc. If the mutual decision is to pursue path three (six months of couples therapy), the therapist will either take them on as their client or will provide referrals to other couples therapists with the understanding that the Discernment Counselor will consult with the couples’ therapist regarding the relational observations from the Discernment Counseling Process (with approval from the couple).
Amanda Atkins Counseling Group is excited to be offering this unique therapeutic process via Telehealth with Trisha Andrews. Trisha Andrews, MA, MSc, AMFT is a Discernment Counselor trained through The Doherty Relationship Institute. For interest or inquiries, please reach out to Trisha at trisha@amandaatkinschicago.com or 312-505-4761.
