Discussing Infertility With Your Partner
As I was binge watching Love is Blind, Season Three (TEAM NANCY!) I was stunned by the vulnerability and open communication that Nancy and Bartise had about abortion and fertility challenges. As my wife and I begin to navigate the fertility process, we too have had many difficult conversations about our beliefs and concerns in the fertility process. If you too are moving through painful and hard conversations about infertility and IVF, please know that you are not alone. One in eight couples struggle with fertility. Your ability to have honest conversations about infertility is mark of your relationship resiliency. Family-building involves many difficult decisions: how do we support each other during IVF, should we get genetic testing, and when is it time to stop trying? It is normal for partners to disagree on these big questions. Here are few tips to support these difficult conversations:
1. Limit the amount of time per week that you are actively discussing the fertility process. Often couples that are struggling with fertility feel immense stress. Though it may be top of mind for the couple, make sure that during the week you are also prioritizing quality connection time to give your body, mind, and relationship a much-needed break.
2. When you experience a tension between the two of you about the fertility process, begin by taking a pause. During the pause, ground and check in with yourself about the information the tension holds. Is the tension or emotion you feel in your body related to your religion, past trauma, gender, belief systems, culture, and/or family of origin? When you both are regulated, give each partner an opportunity to express their emotions and desires. Take turns listening and validating your partner’s experience. Then get curious about your partner’s beliefs and preferences. Resolving the difference can only occur if both partners feel understood.
3. Be gentle with each other. Infertility is a painful and lonely process. Knowing that our partner is in it with us can help us to feel more supported and less alone.
