The Pain of Infertility

Realizing you can't easily get pregnant is devastating news. Infertility has a huge learning curve about treatment options, hormones, and even measuring follicles. How did it come to this? How did this become my life?

Infertility and/or infertility treatment comes with many questions and overwhelming feelings of grief and loss. Several salient stories emerge as I continue to work with clients who let me into this deeply personal and often isolating experience.

First, I am surprised how people often, although with loving intentions, say unsupportive things to a coping couple. Too often, folks are forced to listen to false reassurances about the future or home remedies that will magically change their situation. I often hear women saying that it is not helpful to suggest they try things differently or offer reassurance about the future. The person going through this knows it in their bones; there is no guarantee. Alternatively, people can provide support by being active listeners, acknowledging it as an unimaginable pain, and holding nonjudgemental space for turbulent and daunting emotions. For those seeking support, it is okay to say, 'That doesn't feel helpful' or, 'I feel most supported when..'. Advocating for the help you crave is often met with loved ones rising to the occasion.

Another common theme of the experience of infertility is an immense sense of loss over a life imagined: loss over what could have been, what may not be, and how to adapt to the new, unimagined future. It is important to grieve the old view of getting pregnant while living through the current version. Helping to identify what we are saying goodbye to helps the healing process of letting old narratives go. We can adapt, even in the hardest of circumstances.

The last dominant theme of this road that no one wishes they were on is the surprising emotions of anger and discomfort around pregnant people, children, and families. While we love these people who mostly fill our lives with joy, they suddenly remind us of what we don't have or don't get. Owning and grappling with these feelings is okay, safe, and expected. Learn to have grace with yourself and whatever emotion moves through you. It is okay to be protective of your space and who comes into it in this vulnerable time.

As a therapist, I see many challenging situations, and I believe pregnancy loss and infertility are among the most painful and lonely experiences. I would encourage those on this road to find a support system that can share in their grief, allow space for all emotions, and offer unconditional support. Strength is needed when we feel weak, not when we are already strong. Let others lend you their strength and have grace with yourself for surviving the unimaginable.