How to talk to Teens about Sexuality & Gender
When children become teens, developmentally they begin exploring their identities, their bodies change, and their friend circle becomes a primary focus on their life. Teens want and need information about sex, desire, relationships, gender, periods, and bodies. As a therapist who works often with teens, I can attest that if their caregivers are not supplying the information, they are getting the information from elsewhere.
During middle school, adolescents begin to understand who they are in relation to others. Teens begin the process of unraveling their identities and trying to understand how they fit. Teens need to feel both acceptance from others and authentic. For teens to wholly open up about their authentic selves, they must feel safe, loved, and secure.
1. Do your research so you understand key concepts about gender and sexuality. Mirror your teens language so that they feel more comfortable. Stay open and curious about the information they share with you. Affirm and celebrate them if your teen discloses that they are gender expansive or queer. Let them know that it is also okay to be figuring it out, that gender and sexual identity is fluid and that not knowing is okay too. Remind them that you love them no matter who they are or who they love. Ask them how you can support them and thank them for sharing this precious information with you.
2. Have an ongoing and open dialogue about sexuality and gender. Watch television shows together and listen to podcasts that celebrate queer and gender expansive folks. If you feel comfortable, share stories from your own experiences about how you came to understand your gender and sexuality.
3. Often parents are nervous or feel shame when discussing sex. Talking about sex and sexuality is not a one-time event. It may feel awkward or uncomfortable, however the more you practice talking about sex and sexuality, the more comfortable your teen will feel talking to you about it. I talk with teens about different relationship boundaries that feel safe for them when engaging in a sexual act or when they are exploring their sexuality. Research informs us that teens often put up a guard when we talk directly about their experiences with sexuality and sex. Instead, talk in generalities about boundaries for emotional and physical safety when considering sex. For example, talk openly about self pleasure and how it is completely normal to touch yourself and explore your body and that there is nothing wrong or shameful about self pleasure. Then gently discuss boundaries (like locking the door). Having open and ongoing conversations about sex helps to prepare your teen for their future romantic relationships and enhance their own understanding of their sexuality.
