RuPaul: The Goddess of Self Love
I love RuPaul. Her snarky confidence, her bold, beautiful looks, and her authentic vulnerability are a few of the reasons why I adore and respect RuPaul, the Goddess of Self Love. The Glamazonian offers us all a timeless lesson in how to stay resiliently self-loving in a painful, sometimes cruel world. By first loving and accepting ourselves, we open the door to offering compassionate love to others. In the words of the Queen of Drag, “If you can’t love yourself, then how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?!” My hope is that we can incorporate some key tenets of Ru’s self-love blueprint into our own lives and become the self-celebrating Queens we all have the potential to be.
1. Tame Your Self Critic. “I feel like you’re being sabotaged by your inner saboteur” (RuPaul). Often, when our self-critic gets activated, we find it almost impossible to turn off. The enemy of the self-critic is self-compassion. Self-compassion is like a muscle; the more we use it the stronger it gets. In painful moments of self-loathing, try a few simple self-compassion exercises to change the channel in your brain. Dr. Kristin Neff, the lead researcher on self-compassion, offers mindful exercises that can help build compassion.
2. Tap into the power of community. Community offers a true sense of belonging and acceptance, a haven where you can be your true self. Being embraced and celebrated for your uniqueness is both healing and empowering. Humans need and crave connection. Connection bolsters self-worth and reduces stress. In fact, research suggests that a twenty-second hug can change your hormones, lower your blood pressure and heart rate, and improve your mood (Hari et al., 2015). As Ru says, “Everybody say love!” I recognize that with the limitations of Covid-19, community can be hard to come by. We have to get creative about how we stay connected, but if the Queens of drag race can safely produce season 13, we can figure out how to keep our community strong and fresh.
3. Let go of the comparison. We have all been caught up in the game of comparison. Several studies have linked social comparisons to higher rates of anxiety and depression. But how do we pivot away from comparing ourselves to others? We use gratitude. Many studies have found that people who consciously count their blessings tend to have less depression and are happier all around (Wong & Brown, 2017). Gratitude changes the brain: writing gratitude letters can help mitigate against guilt and depression. The Queen of Drag shares, “Fulfillment isn’t found over the rainbow—it’s found in the here and now. Today I define success by the fluidity with which I transcend emotional land mines and choose joy and gratitude instead.”
4. Recognize the power of resilience. “When the going gets tough, the tough reinvent themselves.” Crises as big as a pandemic, racial reckoning, political insurrection, and relational stress actively test our resilience. By focusing on the aspects of our lives that we can control and reframing situations that bring us down, we can redefine our narratives and move towards building the strength needed to handle challenges that come our way.
Self-love is not a state of being. It is an action we can take every day to support our growth and increase compassion for ourselves and for others. When we quiet our self-critics, reject comparisons, embrace our community, and cultivate resilience, we are better equipped to face the world and to contribute to it. When we cultivate self-love, we move towards a deeper connection to ourselves and acceptance of all our parts. In the words of Ru, “Continue to love yourself. That’s where your power is right there.”
Citations:
Neff, K., & Germer, C. K. (2018). The mindful self-compassion workbook: A proven way to accept yourself, build inner strength, and thrive.
Morrison, I. Keep Calm and Cuddle on: Social Touch as a Stress Buffer. Adaptive Human Behavior and Physiology 2, 344–362 (2016). https://doi.org/10.1007/s40750-016-0052-x
Wong, Y. J. (2015). The psychology of encouragement: Theory, research, and applications. The Counseling Psychologist, 43, 178–216. http://dx .doi.org/10.1177/0011000014545091
