Interfaith Marriages: Making it Work Despite Your Differences
I’ve been a couples therapists for almost 13 years now and some of my favorite clients have been ones who, despite their differing religious beliefs, were able to find a deep love and respect for one another. According to the Pew Research center, shared religion is seen as important for a successful marriage as is having an adequate income or the decision to become parents. It is considered less important than having shared interests, a satisfying sexual relationship or an equitable distribution of housework.
More than half of couples are on a similar wavelength when it comes to their religion, or lack thereof. And nearly half of all married adults (47%) report sharing religious beliefs with one's spouse is “very important” for a successful marriage (Pew Research Center, 2016). Because of this, it can be a major roadblock when couples disagree. Family traditions, parenting expectations, and extended family relationships can all feel threatened by the simple act of partnering with someone who doesn’t share your (and/or your family’s) religious views. If you happen to fall for someone with a different religious view, don’t fear - it’s not hopeless! We’ve come up with five tips to thrive in a relationship when you and your partner might disagree.
1. Remain open-minded: Make a conscious effort to understand and embrace your partner’s religious views. Open-mindness reduces judgment and will help your partner feel safer expressing their needs and wants in this area.
2. Resist the urge to feel threatened: If you and your partner do disagree, remember, these beliefs are deep rooted and incredibly personal. Commit to avoid the urge to change your partner and remember that their religious views are part of what make them a beautifully complex and interesting person.
3. Discuss your non-negotiables: Do you have to put up a Christmas tree every year? Is fasting during Ramadan something that’s deeply important to you? Speak up and let your partner know what’s most important. If necessary, explain what it means to you. Invite your partner into your traditions and don’t be afraid to be vulnerable in your explanation.
4. Communicate about parenting expectations: Many religions have very clear traditions around the birth of a new baby. Even in the best of cases, this can be a high-intensity time, so I recommend discussing this before trying to have a baby. For example, If you are confident your baby should have a Brit Milah, it’s important you make your partner aware. And remember, if you and your partner disagree, go back to point #1.
5. Create shared traditions: Are there unique ways you and your partner can combine religious beliefs and traditions? Can you create your own tradition that honors both religions? Could you play with a dreidel and open Christmas gifts? This is an area that a couple could get creative and have fun. Melting traditions is the true definition of creating a family with their own unique and beautiful views.