Affirming Cultural Differences in Relationships
In 1967, the United States Supreme Court decriminalized interracial marriage (Loving v Virginia). Since then, interracial and interethnic marriages in the United States have increased to 17% in 2017 (Pew Research). My partner and I share a myriad of differences: she loves to plan, I’m more spontaneous, her ideal day is lounging around the Korean spa, mine is getting lost in the woods and swimming in waterfalls, she has deep love of sushi and BBQ, I’m a self-righteous vegetarian. Out of these differences, the most challenging and rewarding to navigate has been cultural. Krystle is a first-generation Chinese American woman who grew up outside of New York City. Her resilient and courageous parents moved to the United States during the cultural revolution in China in 1983. I am a white woman with staunch Lutheran parents who grew up in a rural town in North Carolina. My hope for sharing our story is to help couples work towards integration of differing identities in their relationships so that each partner feels that those identities are validated and honored. Our journey has not been without its challenges. We continually have difficult and loving conversations around privilege, power differentials, and cultural diversity. Some of those conversations have been productive and brought us closer and some have revealed blind spots in our own understanding of bias and racism. Here are a few hot takes on how to affirm differing identities in a relationship.
1. Continue to have ongoing conversations on your identities. Educate each other about your differing identities and celebrate them! Learning how to have difficult conversations supports integration of cultures but also is a great communication skill to learn.
2. When you are feeling divisive, look to see if you share common values to bridge the divide. When we start getting critical and judgmental about the differences in a relationship, the relationship takes a toll and trust erodes. Get curious about how you and your partner share common values and perspectives.
3. In an intercultural relationship, the opportunity for compromise may occur more frequently than in relationships where partners hold similar identities. Intentionally creating space for both your cultures requires communication and integration. Be open with your partner about if you feel like your identity is being lost in the relationship. Discuss ways you can integrate culture, family traditions, food, or religious practices into your shared lives.
4. Do your homework. It is my job as a white person to do the research, have conversations, and actively learn about my partner’s culture and racial identity. When partners who carry a BIPOC identity get into the position of having to teach their partners about racism or their marginalized identity it perpetuates white supremacy and places the burden of the work back on to the person of color. Your partner will appreciate your efforts to educate yourself about their culture, celebrate and try their authentic cuisines, learn about their country of origin, and ask questions about their family’s story. This can create mutual respect and positivity in the relationship.
5. Forgive each other and continuously challenge yourself to learn from your mistakes. I have had missteps in our relationship: I have made microaggressions, shared culturally insensitive statements, and have at times failed to see how my whiteness takes up space in our relationship. When these harmful moments occur, my partner had to be open to not seeing me as a “bad white person” and provided patience and understanding that learning and change does not occur instantaneously. By offering compassion and taking accountability for harm, we move towards instead of away from each other.
Gentle reminder, it is okay to wade into discomfort. Exploring a new culture, challenging your own patterns of white supremacy, and incorporating your newfound information into your relationship is bound to dig up some discomfort. Making the choice to lean into it, speaks to your strength and the care you bring to your partner. Remember, that in celebrating your differences, you can co-create a relationship that is rich in diversity and acceptance.
