Relationship Resiliency

Resiliency is the ability to rebound from trying times. We are not innately born with resilience; it is a muscle that requires building. When we encounter emotional distress, our ability to bounce back and create a positive meaning out of a painful situation bolsters resiliency.

In an intimate relationship, all couples face hardship. Relational resiliency is necessary for couples to move through challenges, loss, or disappointment together. This begs the question: what practices can couples employ to empower their relationship and build resiliency?

1.     They refuse to play the blame game. While it is normal for partners to conflict, blaming causes defensiveness. When a partner is blamed, they can either defend themselves, counter-blame, or withdraw. Blaming creates more distance between couples and makes repair more difficult. Resilient couples take responsibility for their part in the conflict and intentionally move towards a repair.

2.     Flexibility in roles: We take on roles in relationship. Care-taker, conflict resolver, disciplinarian, the planner. When a couple is under stress or adapting to a new circumstance, there needs to be flexibility in order to move through the distress. For example, if one partner is typically the caretaker and they are in need of caretaking, the other partner needs to adapt to meet the need.

3.     Us Against the Problem: When I first doing therapy during the pandemic, I often asked couples to reflect on their relational strengths and how they can use their strengths to weather the pandemic together. Moving from a partner being the problem to the problem being the problem can unify a couple to conquering the problem together.

4.     Focus on the Fun: Daily life with COVID-19 on the rise, financial stress, parenting in a pandemic, and work demands can lead to conflict and stress on a relationship. A couple’s ability to focus on having fun, using humor, or making light of difficult situations is a hallmark of resiliency. For example, when my partner or I were communicating if we were “available” for hanging out, we created a note card that said “Shante You Stay, or Sashay Away” on each side. Creating new, creative ways to have fun is necessary for alleviating tension in a relationship.

5.     Reach out for Support When Needed. I am a full believer that it takes a village to meet a person’s needs. Being able to reach out for support both inside and outside of an intimate partnership heightens relational resiliency and is a courageous move.

6.  Best Friends & Partners: Research reveals that long-term, happy couples are best friends: they enjoy spending time together, are emotionally supportive, and share common values. Maintaining a friendship during difficult times enhances relational resiliency and connection.

Sources:

Alea, N., Singer, J., & Labunko-Messier, B. (2015). “We-ness” in relationship defining memories. In K. Skerrett & K. Fergus (Eds.), Couple resilience: Emerging perspectives (pp. 163–177). Dordrecht, the Netherlands: Springer.

Fincham, F., & Beach, S. (2010). Of memes and marriage: Toward a positive relationship science. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 2(1), 4-24