Where Do We Begin With Painful Sex?

In a country that values the sexualization of women but does not value whether women/people with vulvas (PWV) actually have good, pleasurable sex, it can be all too easy to sweep sexual pain under the rug. 

Chronic pain and illness can often impact so much of our day-to-day aspects of our lives, like cooking, getting to and from work, or even just getting out of bed. Painful sex can then become an afterthought of chronic illness because sex is not a fundamental need. 

Yet sex is still such an important part of lives, a way to explore our own bodies as well as connect and rejoice in pleasure with others. To neglect or dismiss one’s experience of painful sex is to turn away from a beautiful part of yourself that strives for connection. 

It’s disappointing then that painful sex is rarely talked about even when 75% of women will experience painful sex in their lifetime. 

So, how do we take steps to heal painful sex? 

Name It 

If it’s too difficult to share this pain with others, name it to yourself. You can say it out loud or write it down in a journal. Acknowledge that you are in pain. Often when we acknowledge our own pain, we can feel guilt or shame because “it doesn’t compare to what others are going through” or “it could be so much worse.” By comparing our pain, we are finding ways to avoid it and dismiss it. It’s difficult to make change when we cannot acknowledge the problem. By naming that you are in pain, you are not inviting comparison, you are inviting ownership, and that is an important step in empowering yourself.  

Allow Grief

When we think of grief, we tend to reserve that for when we lose someone through death, but grief is expansive. You are allowed to grieve the fact that your body is in pain and that you are not able to enjoy sex the way that others can. Cry, get angry, find peace, and then cry again. Grief is non-linear and whatever feelings you have around your pain deserve and are allowed to be felt. 

Building a Relationship with Your Body

It can feel incredibly frustrating to feel pain during something that our bodies are “just supposed to be able to do.” Yet when our bodies feel pain, it is not to punish us, pain is there to alert us to something that’s not working. While it can be difficult to work with a body that feels like it’s working against you, I encourage practicing trust that your body is on your side. The next time you are experiencing pain, can you pause and ask yourself what your body might need in this moment? 

If specifically focusing on moments of pain is too much, I recommend creating a ritual with your body to show kindness and compassion. Taking time for deep breathing, giving yourself a hug first thing in the morning or a little foot rub at night are small ways to build a relationship with your body that invites gentleness and compassion. 

Seeking Help 

Physical

Let’s be clear, painful sex is abnormal. This does not mean that you, as a person, are abnormal. You deserve to have good, pain-free sex. One of the first big steps in doing so is seeking help from a medical professional. There are many reasons painful sex can occur and seeking help from a gynecologist can be a useful place to start. This can feel like a scary step given the medical system’s maltreatment of women/PWV, especially women of color and trans PWV. If a doctor does not make you feel safe or dismisses your pain, they are not the doctor for you and that’s okay. It is important to find a doctor who makes you feel safe, heard, and collaborates with you on your care. This can sometimes take a couple of tries, but you and your sex life are worth it. If you’re struggling with this, I recommend finding support groups either online or through therapy practices addressing your medical concern and asking others for resources and recommendations.

Mental

Along with medical support, seeking out a therapist can also be helpful during this period. Painful sex can bring up so many emotions with yourself and in a relationship. Receiving help through individual or couples therapy as your work to heal painful sex is a wonderful way to allow yourself extra care to process these emotions and gather tools to communicate your needs. 

Wherever you are at in the process of healing painful sex, know that you are allowed to take it one step a time. Your feelings deserve to be heard and there are people who are ready to hold space for you.