Wisdom For After the Affair

In my twenties I was in a tumultuous relationship, and I cheated on my partner. Even writing this out seven years later, I still feel the sharp pangs of guilt. In the aftermath of the infidelity, my partner and I decided to try to work on our relationship and heal together from the trauma. Our reconciliation was messy and ultimately, we were not able to make it work. If I could go back to a younger me, I wish I could tell her how to heal the shameful, scorched parts of herself. I share what I have learned both as a couple’s therapist who now works with couples on healing infidelity and as someone who has traversed this painful path before.

1. It will not always hurt this badly. Infidelity is trauma. When an affair is revealed, couples are ravaged with shock and overwhelming pain. Gently remind yourself that you are in the eye of the infidelity storm. I promise it will get easier.

2. Lean on your people. Whether you were the harmer or the one who was harmed, you need your people to help you heal. Trauma is healed by loving, safe relationships. Surround yourself with people who see you and value you. Be open with them about what you are going through.

3. “Each of us is more than the worst thing we’ve ever done.”- Bryan Stevenson. After an affair, it is important for the harming partner to take accountability and listen to how their decisions hurt their partner. Shame keeps us trapped and unable to move forward. It is important to hold that the harming partner is deserving of forgiveness. To be human is to make mistakes. The effort and gentleness of the repair will show your true character.

4. Set a time limit for how often you talk about the affair. Each time a couple discusses the affair, their bodies reignite with trauma. Be thoughtful about how often and how long you discuss infidelity. Sometimes knowing all of the information about the affair may be more damaging than helpful. Have an intentional structure before discussing the affair by asking what each partner would like to accomplish during the conversation.

5. See a couple’s therapist!!! Couples therapy can help couples to understand if they should stay together or separate (called discernment therapy). Therapy also supports couples in sorting through what led to the affair and how to rebuild trust.

If I could go back in time I would have chosen differently, yet through this experience I have learned how to communicate hard truths with people I love and the power of redemption. If you are someone who has cheated or been cheated on, please know we can heal the most wounded parts of our selves through honesty and by offering compassion.