Parenting in a Modern World
My wife and I just welcomed our first baby one month ago. Little baby Niko is the light of our world, and we are in the thick of learning how to be the best mommies we can be. The past month has been a whirlwind of joy, tears, anxiety, and so, SO much heart-bursting love. As I am brand new to this parenting world, I am not about to offer any how-tos and what-to-dos about being a good parent. Instead, I want to share a few basics I learned in graduate school that provide me with some comfort when I wonder if I am doing a good enough job.
I. Finding my ground through regulation. In the past month, several triggers have set off feelings of dread (the debate, a record-breaking heat wave, the ongoing war in Gaza…). When that panic sets in and I start to fear what type of world I have brought our angel baby into, I can feel the tension building in my body and the rumination start to take hold in my head. When a parent is anxious or scared, a child absorbs it. In those moments I try to center and come back to the here and now. One of my favorite quotations helps to bring me back: “Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you” (Anne Lamont).
II. Connection with my child. On a recent podcast, the Surgeon General discussed the harmful impact of social media on children’s mental health. Up to 95% of young people ages 13-17 use social media regularly, which puts them at higher risk for anxiety and depression. In this age of modern technology, psychologists are noticing that our children are more isolated and less connected to others. Thankfully, caregivers can provide a buffer to the risk. Parents/caregivers are the first models of relational connection and safety. Simply showing up and being present with your child helps your child to trust others and fosters relational safety.
III. Be good enough at meeting your child’s needs. Our kids need a lot from us. With everything parents have going on, how can we possibly be nurturing, supportive, present, and balance all of our other responsibilities all of the time? Here’s the cherry, though: we need to meet our children’s needs only most of the time--two-thirds of the time, in fact--to foster a secure attachment (Hazan & Shaver, 1987). It’s okay to have a miss.
When I start to feel sad about the state of our world and wonder how I can raise a happy and secure little human in this environment, I remind myself of my why. My wife and I decided to have children because we believe and trust in the power of love, in the strength of our community, and in the resiliency of our world. In the wise words of James Baldwin, "I can't afford despair. I can't tell my nephew, my niece. You can't tell the children there's no hope."
