Reclaiming SEXY in Midlife
Let’s do a little mental exercise. When you hear the term “middle age,” what’s the first thing that comes to mind? Is it a punch to the gut? A dramatic “ooof, it's creeping up on me”? Maybe a little dread mixed in? If any of that resonates with you, welcome to the club.
I recently heard comedian Tiffany Haddish talk about getting older, and she said, “I’m at that age where I’m like, ‘I’m grown. I’ve made it through the worst of it. I’m ready to be a hot grandma.'” And honestly, that’s the vibe I’m going for. Midlife? It's not the end of the road; it's just the start of a new, more fabulous chapter.
I’m officially in that age group now, making decisions in a significantly different way than I did in my twenties. Now, I’m asking myself questions like, “Should I work on strength training so I can hike in my 70s?” or “Hmm, do I want that second drink, or should I spare my future self the agony of the 6:30 am baby wake up call?” No doubt, these thoughts are practical but they’re not exactly scream-your-name-from-the-rooftop levels of fun, risk, or, sex appeal.
As we approach this “mid-life” phase, it can sometimes feel like we’ve crossed some invisible line where all the provocative and daredevil behaviors belong to the “younger version of us.” But hold on, let’s not throw in the towel just yet. One of the biggest reasons women report a drop in sexual desire in midlife is—surprise, surprise—exhaustion. According to the Journal of Sex Research (2023), the juggling act of being a parent, worker, friend, caretaker, and everything else under the sun can leave us so tired that we don’t have the energy to feel sexy, let alone have sex.
But here’s the thing: I refuse to accept that midlife means the end of good times. It’s time to flip the script and fight for our empowerment so we can reclaim our inner badass, sexy, fun-loving selves. So, you’re probably wondering, “How on Earth do we do this??” Good question. Here are a few thoughts on how to break free and reclaim our sexy:
Lean on Your Community. As a new parent, I've learned that asking for help is not only okay, it’s necessary. I’m no longer shy about texting a neighbor (or even a casual acquaintance) and asking if they can babysit for a few hours so that Mommas can get a night out.
Find Outlets Just for You. I recently took a four-week handbuilding pottery class that just so happened to be at the perfect time—baby bedtime. Not only did I get to make four perfectly imperfect pinch pots, but I also connected with other amazing folks in my community.
Explore Self-Pleasure. You are NEVER too old to explore your evolving sexuality. Treat yourself to a new toy (Early2bed is an awesome feminist shop) or watch that movie or read that book that really turns you on. Personally, I recommend Disobedience (hello, Rachel Weisz) or reading All Fours by Miranda July. Trust me, your inner spark is still alive and well.
It is never too late to get our sexy back. Let's stop letting midlife be synonymous with the end of our fun and desire. It's just the beginning of a whole new chapter.
