Sex After Kids (?!)
If you’re a parent of a young child, especially within the first few years of their life, I know what many of you must be thinking. What sex after kids?! If not, high five! You’re doing it! Literally! But for many new parents, between the sleepless nights, built up resentment surrounding division of labor, pressure from your partner, touch fatigue from breast/chestfeeding or just holding a baby all day long, it can feel nearly impossible to connect with your sense of sexual desire, and oof, don’t even get me started about mom rage.
If you are/have experienced this, I want to let you know this is NORMAL. And while it is normal and quite common, it might come with feelings of grief, guilt, shame, frustration, anger, sadness and even a sense of loss of your sexual identity. If you’re one of those people who is struggling with sex after kids, you are not alone.
Here are some ways to approach re-integrating sex back into your relationship after having kids (only if you are ready and wanting to).
You guessed it. THERAPY! Working with a sex or couple’s therapist who specializes in sex and the postpartum period/transition to parenthood can help you and your partner rebuild safety, trust, and confidence in your self and sexual relationship and navigate desire discrepancy. Individual therapy can also help you address any underlying mental health issues related to the postpartum period.
Pelvic floor physical therapy can make a significant difference in your healing journey if you are experiencing sexual pain, urinary incontinence or constipation after birth. Many providers are covered by insurance and can help provide exercises and psychoeducation on how to decrease pain.
LUBE. Pelvic floor PT’s and sex therapists can help you navigate what lubes might work best for your body. You can still have a WAP with lube :)
Reframing sex, and your erotic world. Try taking a certain kind of sex (i.e. penetrative, oral, climax) off the table. Notice what happens when you take the pressure off of having a certain kind of sex and focus more on eroticism. Esther Perel has incredible articles on the topic on her website.
Schedule sex. I know. So many people cringe at this idea. But if lack of time is the main barrier for you, you have to make it. Go back to number 4, to help you with this one. Schedule sexy time with no expectations of what that looks like, but rather a playground to explore. Spontaneous desire is all fun and lovely, but feels impossible when you feel like you're going down on a sinking ship.
Patience and self-compassion. It can feel really daunting to reconnect with your sexuality after having kids. Honor the parts that aren’t ready to have sex and see if it is possible to offer them compassion in the process.
Finding your sexual groove after giving birth and raising kids in those earlier years takes time, patience, and work. You can get there if you want to. But take your time, and trust yourself in the process. You deserve it.