Deconstructing Sexual Shame: Healing Religious Trauma as Queer woman

I grew up in a bible belt rural town in North Carolina. One of the first questions you were asked was, “what church do you go to”? The church I grew up in held all the trappings of a stereotypical southern Christian denomination; an all-white congregation, a pastor that preached about sexuality as sinful, patriarchal systems, and capitalistic culture. As an isolated queer kid where being gay was heavily stigmatized, I internalized a LOT of shame. Berne Brown writes, “Shame derives it’s power from being unspeakable.” My sexuality felt exactly that, unspeakable.

For some, religion is a refuge for suffering. Religion cultivates communities of likeminded groups and can offer a feeling of belonging and support. However, sometimes religious communities can exert control, cause harm, and impart abuse on individuals that are vulnerably looking for safety in community.

One symptom of religious trauma is pervasive feelings of shame or guilt and isolation. For me, internalized shame about my sexuality was managed through a common coping mechanism for survivors of religious trauma, perfectionism. I, like many other gay children, decided if I was a good enough Christian, I could make up for my gayness. Unsurprisingly, sexual minorities have higher rates of perfectionism than heterosexuals. Many researchers speculate that achievement is prioritized to “make up for” their gayness.

Working through religious trauma required intentional, therapeutic work. So many of my world views were influenced by dichotomous thinking. Dichotomous thinking, which is a predictor of negative perfectionism, is seeing the world as binary: good vs bad, right vs wrong. (Egan SJ, Piek JP, Dyck MJ, Rees CS, 2007) Through first noticing my proclivity to code behaviors, thoughts, and even emotions as good or bad and get curious about where that derives from and how it is no longer serving me, I was able to move into a richer, more comprehensive understanding of the world. Seeing the world as not black or white, but instead grey opens one up to a brighter, more nuanced world.

If you too, are someone that struggles with internalized shame, self-compassion is its mighty antidote. Kristen Neff, the queen of self-compassion research, writes, “Compassion is, by definition, relational. Compassion literally means 'to suffer with,' which implies a basic mutuality in the experience of suffering. The emotion of compassion springs from the recognition that the human experience is imperfect.” (Neff, 2011) By opening up relationally about my shame, through the power of community and shared experiences, my shame was released. If you are struggling with overcoming religious trauma, we welcome you to reach out for support.

Egan SJ, Piek JP, Dyck MJ, Rees CS. The role of dichotomous thinking and rigidity in perfectionism. Behav Res Ther. 2007 Aug;45(8):1813-22. 

Neff, Kristin. Self-compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. New York: William Morrow, 2011. Print.