The Healthier Sex Talk: Earlier and Often
Talking to younger kids about sexual health in relation to low-stakes daily interactions paves the way for easier conversations as they mature.
As parents, we are all working diligently to build up our children’s self-esteem, foster their independence and support their emotional well-being so they can thrive in the world. An important topic that is often avoided in the raising well-adjusted children is an understanding of their sexual health. This certainly does not mean the “birds and the bees” conversation that our parents awkwardly avoided. Instead, starting the conversation earlier with topics like emotions awareness, setting boundaries, asking for and giving consent, permission to feel pleasure and explaining what healthy relationships look like, all presented in age-appropriate and relevant ways. These foundational concepts will lay the groundwork for the higher-stakes conversations in the future. Giving kids space to practice these skills on the playground will give way to better decision-making skills in the future.
Here are a few ways to weave these key concepts into your child’s daily life:
1. Stop It with the Stork
When kids ask where babies come from, tell them the truth. Answers like "The stork brought you" dismisses a child's curiosity and can also make you look less credible when your child eventually finds out the truth. Being truthful now also encourages your kids to come to you with their questions in the future. Also use anatomical language for their private parts. Bath time is a great opportunity to talk about their magnificent little bodies and all of its parts and purposes.
2. Setting Boundaries
A conversation about what is a “good touch” and what is a “bad touch” is an excellent way to start a conversation about boundaries. Ask your child to give you examples of good touch versus bad touch and help them give language to how their bodies respond to each. Tapping into those feelings will help kids decipher the good feelings from the bad in addition to giving them the confidence to communicate boundaries with friends and family. By giving kids the language to communicate when they are experiencing a bad touch, they are able to use their emotional language and not resort to a physical response such as hitting, kicking or biting. Try role playing uncomfortable scenarios with your kids so that they can feel confident asserting themselves in the moment. Let your child know that they have control over their own bodies and who gets to touch them.
3. Consent is a Two-Way Street
Please don’t make your kid hug Great Aunt Ida at the next family reunion. Forcing kids to show affection to strangers or distant relatives sends a confusing message that the child doesn’t have control over their own body. Step in and offer an alternative or just be an advocate for your child by politely declining. Also, it is never too early to start instilling the concept that a person’s consent can change at any moment. Everyone has the right to change their mind, at any time. Give the example of a playing a game with a friend, if one person decides to stop, it is not personal and it’s important to listen and respect the friend’s decision.
4. Pleasure Isn’t A Dirty Word
Let’s be honest here, touching genitals feels really good. Why should our kids be any different? Kids are naturally explorative and early exploration is by no means sexually driven. Talk with your kids about how self-touch is completely normal and natural, but just like using the bathroom or changing clothes, it is done in private. Also, remind them, just like using the bathroom, always wash their hands afterwards.
5. Show Them the Love
This is an excellent opportunity to model for your kids. Showing age-appropriate affection and intimacy with your adult significant other helps to take the “ick” factor out of kissing and hugging. Talk to your kids about how showing affection towards partners (with permission) feels good and affection is how people connect and show their love for one another. As kids get more mature, having conversations about their own pleasure and how it feels to them will help them feel more in touch with their own bodies.
Resources:
Sex Positive Families, LLC
https://sexpositivefamilies.com/
The Sex Positive Parent:
http://thesexpositiveparent.com/
Amaze
