Riding the Waves of Change
I have moved through a series of significant changes in my life: breakups, changing careers in my thirties, big cross-country moves, and now parenthood. With each transition I experienced waves of polarizing emotions: grief and excitement, anxiety and hope, dread and relief. Change is painful and we spend a lot of time fighting against it. I have done my fair share of resisting change; it took me six years, two therapists, and 700 miles to get myself out of an unhealthy relationship dynamic. A lot of my work in therapy is sitting with people who are paralyzed by indecision; “should I stay in my relationship, do I want kids, what kind of career do I want?” These big life choices bring anxiety and stuckness. So if you are sitting with these big, hairy life changes, here are a few tools to support you in navigating change.
Let go of the idea of a right or wrong path. Ooof this is perhaps the hardest part of change. We all have fantasies about how making the “right” move is going to bring eternal happiness and ease to our life. Thinking that there are right and wrong paths puts an immense amount of pressure on ourselves. Pressure constrains us from being able to make a move. What would it be like if we assumed that all change is neutral and does not carry the heavy weight of judgment?
Use your values as your guide. Through all the big changes in my life, my values have remained constant. Values focus on what is most important to you. Values give shape to our goals, priorities, and identity. Making a decision that aligns with your values can lead to a more fulfilling life. During the pandemic my wife and I lived in thirteen different cities in a search to find a community that fit our needs. We settled in Atlanta because it aligned with our values (access to nature, close to family, and has diversity.)
Move towards Acceptance. In life we are bound to experience unwanted change. When something happens to us that we don’t want, we spend an immense amount of time and energy fighting against it. What would it be like to shift the mindset into acceptance? A mindfulness exercise that helps me to embrace change is to say to myself, I don’t have to like the situation I am in, I don’t have to want it to be like this, but I am strong enough and brave enough to simply let it be. When we let go of the struggle with change, we have more energy to focus on what is truly important to us.
